NINETEEN

years and counting.

often, I wonder what it is that brings me to places like these.

often, I wonder what it is that leads me to think thoughts like these.

often, I wonder what it is that guides me to cherish moments like these.

and often, all too often, I forget to be thankful for it.

the hardships come and I constantly pray, I constantly look, I constantly work for the solutions to right the wrongs, to meet those ends.

those solutions come, and I forget all else. I forget my background, my past, the wrinkles I have overcome. Instead, I think not of the future, but of the present.

I lived only for the present.

until that one day comes, where that mindset finally shows its consequences.

and I start this vicious cycle over again. and over again. and over again.

to what end will I have to go in order to understand?

to where will I have to find myself before I can fully comprehend the error of my ways?

what will I have to give up, who will I have to lose, how much of my pride will I have to damage before I can finally take those reins and regain control of my past, my present, and my future?

however, no matter how much I lose, no matter how much I hurt,

I want to hold onto my pride: the one thing that can save me from this ailing world,

and the one thing that will ultimately be my ticket to those pits of fire we all fear.